How to Not Fail at Life Quit Bitching About the Bitches Edition


Advice

How to not fail at life (quit bitching about the bitches edition)

Cómic greentext famoso de 4chan (2011). Reposteado en Reddit (r/GetMotivated y r/wowthanksimcured, x-post desde r/4chan). Original en Imgur: imgur.com/a/FwSA5.

Estructura

Es un diálogo entre un “brother anon” y un anon quejumbroso, con 8 pasos:

STEP 1: GO GET A JOB

“Do it, faggot.”

  • Si estás leyendo esto, métete a tech support o algo por teléfono.
  • Pro-tip: si usas gorro de papel, no es un trabajo de verdad.
  • Este paso apesta (donkey balls) y drena tu fuerza vital; hazlo igual.
  • Sirve para sacarte del sótano de tu mamá y exponerte a la “pila de mierda de las relaciones interpersonales” = “ganar XP peleando monstruos”.

STEP 2: NO GASTES TODO EN FIGURAS DE ANIME

No compres resin figurines de chicas anime haciéndose caca. En general, los muñecos de acción son mala idea.

STEP 3: NO HAY CHICAS EN INTERNET

  • No hay chicas en internet y definitivamente no hay en 4chan.
  • Estás ahí por miedo: al fracaso, al éxito, a la vida.
  • Corolario: “No tengo que contribuir a la sociedad, tengo ASPERGER’S.”
    • “NO, NO LO TIENES. A la mierda tu Asperger, tu depresión y tu ansiedad social. Aunque fueran enfermedades, la gente enferma igual tiene que hacer cosas — mira a Lance Armstrong o Stephen Hawking.”

STEP 4: GO WHERE THE GIRLS ARE

  • ¿Clubbing? “¿Quieres salir con una hollaback girl? Entonces no.”
  • La mitad de la población es femenina. Haz en público algo que ya te gusta (skate, Warhammer 40K, lo que sea) y eventualmente habrá al menos una mujer ahí.
  • “En público” = donde tengas identidad. No vas a ligar en 4chan.

STEP 5: REGALOS A LO GRANDE

  • Encuentra una chica al azar, espera a que exprese un deseo y gasta una cantidad ridícula de dinero en un regalo ($200-$400).
  • La clave es el sacrificio.
  • Sin condiciones ni “strings attached”: das el regalo y lo olvidas. “Oh, oí que te gustan las plumas Bic, te compré una caja, no hay que agradecerme.”
  • No lo intentes con varias a la vez. Y no creas que no se va a enterar: “they always find out. You will never outsmart the bitches, even if your IQ is twice theirs.”

STEP 6: REPITE

  • Espera un mes y manda otro regalo a la misma chica.
  • Di que no tenías intención romántica, que eres “naturalmente generoso”.
  • Si ella capta tus intenciones y no te aplica el discurso de “solo amigos” → puedes pasar al paso 7.

STEP 7: PREPARE FOR THE SUCK

“¿Qué, creías que la parte que apesta se acabó?”

Lista de lo que va a pasar:

  • Se enferma y necesita apoyo emocional (aunque no tu pene).
  • Se enoja y no te habla por dos meses.
  • Resulta ser una idiota total.
  • Se asquea de uno de tus fetiches.
  • Su familia entera son retards agresivos que no deberían reproducirse.
  • Te dice que eres feo… y lo dice en público.
  • Se queda con todo tu dinero.
  • Te engaña. (No blowjobs tampoco.)

“¿QUÉ CARAJO HAGO?” → “KEEP FUCKING GOING. SUCK IT UP, DEAL WITH THE SHIT, AND KEEP LOVING HER.”

“¿EN SERIO? ¿POR QUÉ?” → “PORQUE NUNCA SABES QUÉ TANTO APESTAS TÚ.”

La clave de toda la vida: los humanos están programados para notar más las imperfecciones de los demás que las propias. Mientras te quejabas de que todas andaban con jerks, eras igual de jerky — “con la desventaja adicional de ser feo”.

STEP 8: PRETEND TO BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE

  • Lo de “The Secret” de tu mamá (visualizar y que el universo te lo entregue) no funciona de verdad… pero como todo culto retrasado, tiene un núcleo de sabiduría: fingir habitualmente que algo de ti es verdad, eventualmente lo vuelve verdad.
  • Diferencia entre alguien genuinamente generoso y alguien que solo actúa de forma generosa todo el tiempo: “un año” de la actuación (a veces seis meses) y se vuelve el nuevo tú.
  • “¿Y yo puedo ser un doormat miserable?” → “Ahí está la clave: finge que no eres miserable y, como parte del mismo trato… no lo eres.”
  • “¿No puedo usar esto para volverme un kickass motherfucker?” → “¿Cómo te ha ido hasta ahora, Bruce Lee?” — El alpha male real = altruismo y gestión correcta de la tribu. Tres millones de años de evolución de primates lo respaldan.

Cierre

“So I have to—” → “STEP ONE. GO GET A JOB. DO IT, FAGGOT. FUCKING DO IT.”

Fuentes

  • Álbum de Imgur: https://imgur.com/a/FwSA5 (archivado: http://web.archive.org/web/20111010232725/http://imgur.com/a/FwSA5)
  • Reddit r/GetMotivated: https://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/l5kww/
  • Reddit r/wowthanksimcured: https://www.reddit.com/r/wowthanksimcured/comments/9nvzr3/

How to not fail at life (uit bitching ahout the bitehes edition)

stee 1. senieve 17 ok ot 1s: GET A REAL JOB.

IF YOU’RE READING THIS, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LOOK INTO TECH SUPPORT OR SOMETHING ELSE PHONE-BASED.

PROTIP: IF YOU’RE WEARING A PAPER

HAT, IT’S NOT & REAL JOB. _/ N o

IMPORTANT: THIS STEP WILL SUCK DONKEY BALLS. IF YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT, IT WILL MAKE YOU MISERABLE AND SLOWLY DRAIN

YOUR LIFE FORCE, GRADUALLY MAKING YOU AN WORKPLACE HERO. e

FUCKING DO IT ANYWAY, FAGGOT.

stee 2 15: DO NOT SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON LITTLE RESIN FIGURINES OF ANIME GIRLS TAKING A SHIT ON THINGS AND LOOKING CUTE.

IN FACT, ACTION FIGURES OF ANY SORT ARE PROBABLY A BAD IDEA.

STEP 5 THERE ARE NO GIRLS ON THE INTERNET. THERE ARE DEFINITELY NO GIRLS ON 4CHAN. ‘WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?

THAT’S RIGHT, YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW. I’LL TELL YOU WHY YOU’RE HERE. FEAR. FEAR OF FAILURE, FEAR OF SUCCESS, FEAR OF LIFE. YOU DON’T WANT TO TAKE RISKS AND POSSIBLY GET HURT. YOU WANT TO LIVE IN A NICE LITTLE MATRIX WOMB, WITH YOUR BRAIN JACKED INTO THE HYPERNET, ENCASED IN YOUR OWN GOO AND EATING YOUR OWN SHIT.

T’LL BET YOU THOUGHT THE POINT OF STEF ONE WAS TO MAKE SOME MONEY, RIGHT? GET A LITTLE BLING TO SPEND ON THE BITCHES? WELL, IT WAS, BUT IT ALSO ACCOMPLISHES THE VITAL STEP OF GETTING YOU THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR MOTHER’S BASEMENT ON A REGULAR SCHEDULE AND EXPOSING YOU TO THE ‘MASSIVE PIT OF SUCK THAT IS INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS. LIVING AND WORKING WITH OTHERS IN THE REAL WORLD IS A HORRENDOUS WHIRLING ABYSS OF BURNING SULPHUROUS FECES, BUT ONCE YOU’RE IN IT, YOU GET CALLOUSES THAT ALLOW YOU TO ENDURE IT, THINK OF IT AS GAINING XP BY FIGHTING MONSTERS.

COROLLARY TO STEPS 1 THROUGH 3:

Idon’t have to be a contributing member of society: | have ASPERGERS.

NO YOU DON’T.

FUCK YOUR ASPERGER’S AND YOUR DEPRESSION AND YOUR SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER, THOSE AREN’T REAL DISEASES AND EVEN IF THEY WERE PEOPLE WITH DISEASES STILL HAVE TO DO STUFF LOOK AT LANCE ARMSTRONG OR STEPHEN FUCKING HAWKING | GUARANTEE YOU DON’T HAVE IT THAT BAD FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

ster 4: GO WHERE THE GIRLS ARE,

J’ What, you mean | should go out clubbing? ‘

DO YOU WANT TO DATE A HOLLABACK GIRL,?

THEN NO, DON’T GO CLUBBING,

YOU MAY NOT REALIZE IT, BUT FULLY HALF THE POPULATION OF THE PLANET IS FEMALE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO SUCK UF TO AN ASININE SUBCULTURE THAT YOU DON’T ACTUALLY APPRECIATE JUST BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME SINGLE GIRLS THERE. THERE’S SINGLE GIRLS EVERYWHERE. JUST GO DO SOMETHING YOU ALREADY ENJOY IN PUBLIC - SKATEBOARDING, WARHAMMER 40K, WHATEVER.

1 GUARANTEE THERE WILL BE AT LEAST ONE FEMALE THERE EVENTUALLY.

“IN PUBLIC” MEANS SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU HAVE AN IDENTITY. YOU WILL NOT PICK UP CHICKS ON 4CHAN, BUT IT IS POSSIBLE TO

PICK’EM UP ELSEWHERE ONLINE.

STEP 5: FIND A RANDOM CHICK, WAIT UNTIL SHE EXPRESSES SOME DESIRE, AND THEN SPEND A LUDICROUS AMOUNT OF MONEY ON A GIFT,

NOTE: Do not wait until you find the “perfect” chick. She

does not exist. Am fora7orans w

IMPORTANT:

~Spend at least tvo hundred dollars, ideally closer to four hundred Anything less is just chunp chsnge at this step. The key is: sscrifice

Do not attach strings to the gift. Do not feel now that this female oves you something. That’s not a gift. that’s a trade. Just give it to her. then forget about it. It’s cast out into the vilderness. It’s gone

—Act like it’s no big deal. “Oh, hey. T heard you liked ballpoint pens Thought I’d get you a gross. It’s cool, whatever. Mo need to thank me "

Do not, do HOT attempt this step with nore than one female at once That’s not hedging your bets. That’s just sabotaging your own efforts

And don’t think she von’t find out. She will. They alvays find out. You will never outsmart the bitches. even if your IQ is twice theirs

STEP 6: Start o, She was sctuay Didthe bitchin 2.0 et question express appreciation for the gesture?

Wait about a month, do it again witha different bitch.

Wait about a month, do it again with the same bitch.

Claim that you actually had no romantic intentions, and that you just gave her a metric ton of vintage pogs because you’e a naturally generous guy.

o, Shes i ota

dumbass. Has she picked up onyour intentions yet?

Has she tried to use the “just friends” speech on you?

Ho. Holy crap, does that mean what [ tink € means?

It means you can proceed to step 7.

sacrifices for nice guy.
everyone around you.

) And….and that means that this whole time I’ve been saying | was a nice guy and complaining that all the girls were going ot with jerks.

‘THAT’S RIGHT. YOU WERE JUST AS BIG A JERK, AND HAD THE ADDED DISADVANTAGE OF BEING HIDEOUS.

Jesus fuck, no wonder nobody wanted to go out with me!

What doldo? | don’twantto be a douchebayg like those fuckers | do tech supportforl How canl not suck?

AH. WELL THAT LEADS NATURALLY INTO…

PREPARE FOR THE SUCK.

‘WHAT, YOU THOUGHT THE SUCK PART WAS OVER?

thought this was where the sucking stopped

J[

Uh…yeah. ‘min a relationship now. | ‘

AND OH HOW WRONG YOU WERE.

A MAJORITY OF THE FOLLOWING THINGS ARE ALL GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU. IF YOU’RE LUCKY, THEY WON’T HAPPEN ALL AT ONCE.

She’s gonna come down with some

disease, and will require your emational

support (inough not your penis) SHE’S GOING TO GET MAD AND STOP

TALKING TO

lerpes

You’lfind outyour new girliriend issecretly acomnlele moron.

Pimples. Ovarian

cancer. SHE’S GOING TO GO

FOR. TWO MONTES. WITHOUT ONCE BEING IN THE MOOD FOR

You’ll find out she has a meth habit.

She’s going to be fully and completely repulsed by

You’re going to lose your job, and imnediately have to get another one to keep the gifts coning

YOU FOR NO

one of your fetishes, to the point of not being able

sEX

REASON. tolook youin the eye. RETARDED HER ENTIRE FAMILY WILL BE COMPOSED OF Spopicovipooime oo ASS TATTOO HIDEOUS. DVERLY AGGRESZIVE RETARDS v SURPRISE! UHO SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED To LIVE. and won’twarchit with you,

LET ALONE T3 REPRODUCE. She wants you to do disgusting D things in the bedroom, and

c won’t return the favour.

She’s going to tellyou thatyoure ugly. A meanit. In public. You’re going to look at her and realize that you’re not actually atiracted to her any more. She’s going to bitch about inane things i You’ll find out she’s a furry her fife that you don’t care about, then, when you try to cheer her up, she’l tell you you’re insensitive and accuse you of not actually caring about her.

She’s going to take all your money

‘She doesnt like any of your friends. She. only wants to hang vith her own friends all of whom are inbred fucktards. No blowjobs.

SHES GOING TO START CHEATING ON YOUR DUMB ASS.

WHAT THE SHIT? WHAT DO I DO? KEEP FUCKING GOING. SUCK IT UP, DEAL

WITH THE SHIT, AND KEEP LOVING HER TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY REGARDLE

ARE YOU ON CRACK? WHY?

BECAUSE - AS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED DURING STEP ONE - YOU CAN NEVER TELL HOW MUCH YOU SUCK.

What in the shit are you talking about?

LOOK, YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH STEP ONE SUCKED? WITH THE ENDLESS TORMENT OF LIFE IN THE WHIRLING FECES ABYSS OF HUMAN INTERACTION?

Yeah, that’s what | had to go through to get the money for step six.

AND WHY DO YOU THINK STEP ONE SUCKED SO MUCH? WHAT FUNDAMENTAL FACET OF HUMAN NATURE MAKES DEALING WITH OTHER PEOFLE SUCH A TREMENDOUS PAIN IN THE RECTUM THAT IT MAKES YOU LONG FOR A ELECTRONIC WOMBTUBE?

1.1 don’t know. |just know that it sucks. Hard. Other people all suck Whyis it that everyone other than me is a complete douchebag?

HERE’S THE KEY. THE KEY TO ALL LIFE, ACTUALLY, SO FUCKING LISTEN UP.

Human beings are programmed to notice the imperfections of others more than the imperfections of themselves.

So wait, you mean.

THAT’S RIGHT. THE WHOLE TIME EVERYONE WAS MAKING YOUR LIFE SUCK, YOU WERE DOING THE SAME THING RIGHT BACK TO THEM AND DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE, BECAUSE YOU’RE JUST AS MUCH OF & SELF-CENTERED PRICK AS THEY ARE.

You thought: You were actually:

You were just being a decent, non-sucky person.

Sucking just as hard as everyone around you.

You were getting even

with the jerks by being a bit of a jerk yourself, but nowhere near as big of a jerk as those jerks.

Being a colossal ultra-jerk who escalated the jerkdom way past what it already was.

You were trying hard to be a pretty mice guy -

Not completely sucking.

You were making crazy over-the-top sacrifices for everyone around you.

An actual passable nice guy.

This suyis such a douche.

?

(] a

(both douches)

And….and that means that this whole time I’ve been saying | was a nice guy and complaining that all the girls were going ot with jerks.

‘THAT’S RIGHT. YOU WERE JUST AS BIG A JERK, AND HAD THE ADDED DISADVANTAGE OF BEING HIDEOUS.

Jesus fuck, no wonder nobody wanted to go out with me!

What doldo? | don’twantto be a douchebayg like those fuckers | do tech supportforl How canl not suck?

AH, WELL THAT LEADS NATURALLY INTO…

STEP 8; PRETEND TO BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE.

You shot who in the what now?

LOOK, YOU KNOW THAT “THE SECRET SHIT YOUR MOM IS INTO? WHERE YOU WRITE DOWN THE THINGS YOU WANT AND VISUALIZE THEM AND THEN THE UNIVERSE DELIVERS?

[ You mean the retarded cult seff-actualization shit? How

she’s praying to herseff that she’ll be a milionaire?

YEAH, THAT. IT DOESN’T ACTUALLY WORK,

‘ Well, whoop-dee-shit, myth fucking busted ‘

BUT, LIKE MOST RETARDED CULTS, IT’S BASED ON SOMETHING - SOME HIDDEN, DISTORTED KERNEL OF WISDOM THAT ACTUALLY WORKS AND HAS RELEVANCE.

AND THIS IS ACTUALLY SORT OF KEY TO LIFE NUMERO DOS, HERE, SO PAY ATTENTION TO THE RED SHIT,

Habitually pretending something about

yourself is true will eventually make it true.

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ACTUALLY GENEROUS, SELFLESS PERSON AND A GUY WHO JUST PERFORMS GENEROUS AND SELFLESS ACTS ALL THE TIME?

One of them is a miserable lying bastard who isn’t actually good-natured at all, and who is continually doing shit he hates for utterior motives?

YES.

BUT I ALSO WOULD HAVE ACCEPTED “A YEAR .

‘THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE TO THE TURNAROUND TIME, HERE, YEAH. YOU STICK WITH THE GOOD-NATURED OVER-THE-TOP MARTYR ACT FOR A YEAR - SIX MONTHS, IN SOME CASES - AND IT’L], BE SO INGRAINED THAT IT'1], BECOME THE NEW YOU,

And | can be a miserable doormat all the time.

AH, BUT THERE’S THE KEY. YOU JUST PRETEND YOU’RE NOT MISERABLE, AND, AS PART OF THE SAME DEAL… YOU AREN’T.

But. | Don’t. Want To Be A Doormat.

Can’tl just use this sefi-changing shitto make myselfa kickass motherfucker who fucks shit up and doesntt take shit from people?

HOW’S THAT BEEN GOING SO FAR, BRUCE LEE?

LOOK, THAT APPROACH MIGHT BEAR SOME FRUIT I¥ YOU HAD EVOLVED FROM SOME SORT OF FELINE, BUT YOUR ANCESTORS WERE FUCKING PRIMATES, MILLIONS OF YEARS OF EVOLUTION HAVE INGRAINED THE ASSOCIATION BETWEEN ALTRUISM AND SUCCESS IN YOUR BRAINSTEM.

LOOK, HERE’S YOUR FAMILY TREE CIRCA THREE MILLION BC. YOU’VE GOT THREE KINDS OF MALES, HERE. THE JUVENILES (THEY’RE THE ONES SUCKING ON TITS ALL DAY), THE ADULTS (THEY’RE THE ONES PRESERVING THE TRIBE) AND THE OUTCASTS (THEY RE THE ONES SCAVENGING ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE PACK.)

< N

YOUR BRAIN, LIKE IT OR NOT, IS BASED ON THIS TEMPLATE. YOUR FUNDAMENTAL PERSONALITY IS ONE OF THREE OPTIONS - BABY, ADULT, OR COMPLETE ASSHOLE,

LOOK, THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT CONCEFT. . YOUR ANCESTORS WERE THOSE WHO WERE SUCCESSFUL AT BEING A PART OF AND MAINTAINING A TRIBE. AS LONG AS YOU’RE OUTSIDE OF THAT TRIBE, YOU’RE GOING TO BE MISERABLE, ANTISOCIAL AND GENERALLY A PUNKASS - BECAUSE THOSE OF YOUR ANCESTORS WHO COULDN’T HACK IT IN & SOCIETY ONLY MANAGED TO CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR GENES BY EATING GARBAGE AND RAPING SUCCESSFUL, WOMEN, MUCH AS YOU MIGHT LIKE TO, YOU AREN’T GOING TO FIND TRUE FULFILLMENT OUTSIDE THE TRIBE, AND YOU WON’T FEEL INSIDE THE

TRIBE UNTI], YOU RE A GOOD PERSON. @ WHAT ARE YOU, A CREATIONIST? @

‘WHY DO YOU THINK THE GOOD GUYS ALWAYS WIN IN THE MOVIES?

Because of a medieval tradition of social % control through mental manipulation by

authoritarian regimes such as the Church?

YES, THERE IS/WAS A VAST CONSPIRACY BY AUTHORITY FIGURES THROUGHOUT HISTORY TO MAKE THE PEOFLE DOCILE, ALTRUISTIC AND SUBMISSIVE BY TELLING THEM STORIES THAT ENCOURAGED SELFLESS BEHAVIOUR, BUT WHERE DID THE AUTHORITY FIGURES GET THE IDEA?

YOU REALLY THINK THEY SAT DOWN

AND CONSCIOUSLY DECIDED TO CONTROL, SOCIETY THROUGH A CAMPAIGN OF DELIBERATE MISINFORMATION? FUCK THAT, THE POWERS THAT BE SIMPLY AREN’T THAT COMPETENT.

Everyone around you, from the wino on the street to the President of the United States, is an evolved ape just like yourself, and has thought patterns that are based on the same tribal dynamic.

What the fuck does any of this have to do with getting me a RL GF who’ll take it in the pooper? EVERYTHING, DUMBASS. WHAT KIND OF CRO MAGNON GOT ALL THE

TAIL? YOU REALLY THINK THE FEMALE PROTOHUMANS WERE ATTRACTED TO THE TITSUCKERS OR THE SCAVENGER OUTSIDERS?

FEMALES DIG ALPHA MALES.

AND ALPHA MALEDOM IS MORE THAN JUST GOOD HAIR AND PECS (THOUGH THOSE CERTAINLY DON’T HURT). THE PRIMARY CHARACTERISTIC OF ALPHADOM 1S ALTRUISM AND PROPER TRIBE MANAGEMENT.

‘THIS WHOLE METHOD STARTS PARTICULAR AND GETS GENERAL BECAUSE BY THE TIME YOU’VE MADE IT THROUGH THE STEPS TO STEP SIX, YOU’L], BE ENOUGH OF AN ADULT THAT THE REST WILL COME NATURALLY, YOU CAN JUST SIT BACK AND LET THE WIN ROLL IN.

And by “sit bac

I MEAN “WORK YOUR ASS OFF’, YEAH,

BUT, BY THAT POINT, IT’L], COME NATURALLY. IT'13, FEEL WEIRD NOT TO, SO, IN A SENSE, YES, YOU’LL BE SITTING xxan

Sol have to-

STEP ONE. GO GET A JOB. Do 1T, FAGGOT.

FUCKING DO IT.